Monthly Archives: November 2002


MR. GARRISON… HOW YOU EXPECT TO UNDERSTAND THE HOMOSEXUAL UNDERWORLD?: No, this post has nothing to do with last week’s gerbil-based “South Park” episode, but rather I am quoting Kevin Bacon’s Willy O’Keefe (from “JFK”) in reference to Garrison Hearst, the San Francisco 49ers running back who stated in an interview last month that “I don’t want no faggot on my team.” The comments were apparently in response to a question about Esera Tuaolo, the former Vikings lineman who came out of the closet earlier this season.
A spokesman for the Human Rights Campaign criticized Hearst’s comments, saying that “if he were a player in the Deep South, I’d understand it, but he plays in San Francisco.” While I agree that Hearst’s comment was wrong and that he needed to apologize, the HRC’s statement has quite a few things wrong with it as well: it’s prejudicial towards Southern people; it promotes the same “you be tolerant of me but I’ll never be tolerant of you” logic that was lampooned in that same aforementioned “South Park” episode, and it’s ignorant of the facts, most notably that Garrison Hearst is in fact from the Deep South, and played his college ball at the University of Georgia. What, did she think he was a decendant of the William Randolph Hearsts?
Hearst’s statement is also indicative of another new trend: people named “Garrison” saying exceptionally stupid things. Whether it’s Garrison Hearst gay-bashing, Garrison Keillor accusing Norm Coleman of adultry and murder, or “South Park”‘s Mr. Garrison trying to get fired for being gay, there’s something about that name that seems to be bringing out the worst in public people. Thankfully former Brandeis politics professor Garrison Nelson seems to have kept his cool; Jim Garrison would’ve likely had something outrageous to say on the 39th anniversary of JFK’s death, but he died a few years ago.


JUST ANOTHER SILVER: It has come to my attention that there is a relatively new adult film star that has recently arrived on the scene who goes by the name Cheyenne Silver. Now I want to make it perfectly clear that while I’m sure she is a lovely and talented young woman, Cheyenne Silver is certainly relation to yours truly, and she is certainly not my sister. I just hope she doesn’t get dragged into a national political scandal, like Long-Dong Silver did. And no, I’m not related to him, either.


FILM CRITIC QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “With dour killjoys like Ralph Nader and Noam Chomsky serving as the public faces of progressive politics, the Republicans can’t help but come across as the fun-loving party of pony rides, keggers, and free lap-dances.” -The Onion AV Club’s Nathan Rabin, reviewing the Chomsky documentary “Power and Terror.” Not nearly as much of a stretch as that critic in Dallas who somehow shoehorned his slam of President Bush as a “trained monkey” into a critique of “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.”


QUOTE OF THE DAY: James Lileks, on the latest proposed New World Trade Center: “It actually reminds you of the WTC, but not in a good way; theres something creepy about the resemblance. Its the architectural equivalent of Peter Bogdonovich marrying Dorothy Strattens sister.” Also, lower in the post, a fine discussion of downtown Minneapolis architecture.