The Kandi Man Can’t

I think it’s safe to say that basketball has plunged to a distant third among my favorite sports, after baseball and football; I can’t decide if it’s my own personal preference, or the decline of the NBA in general. The season gets underway later this week, and I can say pretty confidently that the Miami Heat look like champs, probably beating the Denver Nuggets in the process.
I’ve no idea how the T-Wolves will do, after last year’s championship contender collapsed, though I was amused by a quote in Jack McCallum’s diary in SI last week of his tour of duty as a Suns assistant coach:

When the conversation turns to Stoudemire, whose five-year, $73 million contract extension will be announced on Media Day, the coaches sound more like fans. “Last season he dunked on [the Houston Rockets’] Yao Ming and didn’t even look at him,” says Weber. “Yao is 7’6″. How is that possible?”
“Yao wasn’t looking at him, either,” says Iavaroni. “He had his eyes closed in fear.”
“I’m not sure his best dunk wasn’t against Adonal Foyle in the Golden State game,” says Gentry.
“The one against [the Minnesota Timberwolves’ Michael] Olowokandi was better,” counters Weber. “Olowokandi’s 7’1″ and his wingspan must be 9’6″.”
“That doesn’t count,” says Gentry. “Olowokandi’s a pussy.“

I’m a Wolves fan- he’s our pussy.

Dick Butkus Could Not Be Reached For Comment

Some ESPN editor was asleep at the switch when they okayed this one:

Dick to replace Johnson vs. Gamecocks
Associated Press
FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. — Casey Dick, a freshman quarterback who’s seen no action in Razorback games this year because he’s been redshirted, will start for Arkansas against South Carolina on Saturday, coach Houston Nutt said

Yes, Dick was named by Nutt to face the ‘Cocks. I haven’t seen anything like that since “Rosie Weds Longtime Girlfriend, Slams Bush.”
(Via Jeff S.)

Happy Halloween

And remember, as Larry David said: Just because it’s Halloween, it doesn’t give you the right to go to peoples’ homes and bilk them out of candy.

Well, Look On The Bright Side

At least we know Mike Tice has coached Daunte Culpepper for the last time…
The Vikings’ nightmare season plunged to another nadir on Sunday, when franchise QB Culpepper injured his knee against the Carolina Panthers, and is almost certainly out for the season. An MRI scheduled for today may show that he tore his ACL, which may put him in jeopardy to even start the ’06 season on time.
It should go without saying that the Vikes lost the game to fall to 2-5; Brad Johnson takes over at quarterback. Yes, he has a Super Bowl ring, but it’s not looking too good that he’ll win a second one this year.
Consider Daunte America’s least happy man-on-crutches today, with the possible exception of Scooter Libby.
As for the Iggles, they played what may be the worst first quarter of offensive football I’ve ever seen, with Donovan McNabb going something like 0-for-12, before finding a groove later on. But just when the Eagles were marching down the field to tie, Donovan threw an interception in the end zone, and Philly ended up losing to Denver by four touchdowns.
In fact, that first quarter brought back the brilliant words of Jim Mora, Sr., which also doubles as an explanation of almost every Vikings game this year:

“We couldn’t do diddly-poo offensively. We couldn’t make a first down. We couldn’t run the ball, we didn’t try to run the ball. We couldn’t complete a pass. We sucked. The second half we sucked. We couldn’t stop the run. Every time they got the ball, they went down and got points. We got our ***** totally kicked in the second half. It was a horsesh** performance in the second half, horsesh**. I’m totally embarrassed and totally ashamed. The coaching [mumbles] .. The coaching did a horrible job, the players did a horrible job. We got our ***** kicked in the second half. It sucked.”

Mike Tice: All the incompetence, none of the postgame hilarity.

Alito Shepherded

President Bush has allegedly named Philly’s own Judge Sam Alito to the U.S. Supreme Court. So get ready, partisan hacks of both sides- the fight you’ve been bracing for for a decade is finally here.

Quote Of The Day

Karol, slamming MoDo:

Maureen Dowd has a loooooong piece, adapted from her upcoming book “Are Men Necessary: When Sexes Collide,” (no, I’m not kidding) essentially wondering why she’s unmarried. She guesses she’s too powerful, she guesses she’s too smart, she thinks she’s too independent but she never seems to guess that it’s because she’s sort of crazy and erratic and people tend to run screaming from her uninformed snark.

My thoughts on MoDo exactly. I haven’t read the piece yet, and I’m going to try to get through it later today. That is, if I don’t toss it aside halfway through ’cause the illogic and snark are so maddening, which is what I usually do with MoDo’s work.

I’ve Got Pros…

News comes that Spike TV is planning a new reality game show featuring retired professional athletes to square off against “regular guys.” The name of the show? “Pros vs. Joes.”
If it’s a success, they’ll do a spin off, featuring guys’ friends squaring off against their girlfriends. They’ll call it “Bros vs. Ho’s.”

Quote of the Day

Andrew Sullivan:

I find myself wondering what Michelle Malkin’s response was to the news. On the minus side, George Takei’s gay. On the plus, at least they jailed him for a few years in an internment camp in World War II. You can’t win them all, Michelle.

I thought of the same thing, but just couldn’t think of a way to word it.

The Second Spitter Heads South

Roger McDowell has been named pitching coach of the Atlanta Braves.

The Indictment

Yes, Scooter Libby was indicted today on five counts of perjury and obstruction. I’m reading the indictment right now, and it’s nice to have an official record of this super-complicated case in which no one has really known the truth for the past two years. More on Monday.