A Few Good Rockets

This Clemens/”A Few Good Men” mash-up is pretty funny. How much you wanna bet Clemens does a feeble Nicholson impression? Doesn’t everybody?

Guess the Malady

Tigers relief pitcher Joel Zumaya- who has suffered injuries in past seasons from both playing Guitar Hero and from rescuing baseball memorabilia from his parents’ burning home- is back in camp and hoping to contribute. Shysterball guesses what Zumaya’s next injury will be:

Elbow strain, Hamstring, Oblique strain, Eye strain, Biliousness, Pregnancy (wife), Pregnancy (own), Guitar Hero, Halo 3, Burger Time, Rickets, Alien hand syndrome, Restless leg syndrome, Tommy John surgery, Joel Zumaya surgery (to be named upon discovery of new malady), Blackwater Fever, Consumption, Rotator cuff, Cuff links (in eye), Familial hyperlipoproteinemia type III, Spontaneous polydactylism, Beri-Beri, The Yips, Riley-Day syndrome, Stockholm syndrome, Capgras syndrome, Tendenitis, Dislocated shoulder, Located shoulder, The Willies, Munchausen syndrome, Field

My money’s on Myxomatosis.

The Denounce and Reject List

Blogger Jon Swift has a further list of supporters that Obama must immediately denounce, reject and disavow. They include:

The “Yes We Can” video is directed by Jesse Dylan, whose father Bob Dylan wrote “Subterranean Homesick Blues,” which included the lyric “You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows,” which is where the violent, radical, left-wing group the Weather Underground got its name.

Does Obama also have to denounce the Wallflowers?

Bye Bye, Wawa

The Wawa location on 20th and Locust in Center City Philadelphia closed for good last night, and a vigil was held to say goodbye. PW was there:

Wawa- which still has a handful of city locations and many more in the ‘burbs- remains one of the top five reasons to live in Philadelphia (the other four being Chickie’s and Pete’s, Citizen’s Bank Park, the Mummers’ parade, and WXPN.) Runners-up include Tastykakes, Yuengling Lager, and Mayor Michael Nutter.

Ya’all Got Asante

News Item: Eagles reportedly close to signing CB Asante Samuel
This deal, if it goes through, should help the Eagles avoid the “cheap” and “not willing to spend big on free agents” tags. And 5 years, $47 million is defensible. GCobb says this could be a prelude to a trade of Lito Sheppard and a #1 pick for Larry Fitzgerald, but that sounds a bit too much like “wishful thinking,” if you ask me.
Headline on Comcast Sports Net’s Web site: “Eagles Close in on Samuel, Clemons.” Yes, Mark Twain is coming to Philadlephia.
The Vikings, meanwhile, brought in ex-Eagle (and ex-Gopher) fullback Thomas Tapeh, as well as safety Madieu Williams, who I’d never heard of until yesterday, though I hear he’s good.

Film Critic Quote of the Week

Kyle Smith on the very unfunny “Semi-Pro”:

“�Semi-Pro� goes up for the dunk and misses the hoop, the backboard and the point. It manages to both strike out and get sacked instead. Whose idea was it to remake �Slap Shot� a la Jerry Lewis?
Two completely different movies strangle the laughs out of each other in an inept 70s basketball comedy. Will Ferrell does slapstick in patterned sateen shirts with matching scarves that speak louder than the script. For no reason, he fights a bear, rollerskates over a line of cheerleaders and has a black mom. He�s doing �Anchorman� with a fro.”

This movie fails because it thinks the 1970s are inherently hilarious, and therefore thinks that nothing else funny has to happen. Therefore, we get a whole movie full of funny people (Ferrell, Will Arnett, Andy Richter, etc.) doing unfunny things.

Soft Drink Critic Quote of the Week

From William Wolfrum:

“If you haven’t tasted Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi, but would like an idea of what it tastes like, do this – keep a straw in your pocket and wander around outside until you find a pigeon or squirrel that’s been dead for, oh, say three months. Stick the straw into the dead animal and suck. Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi tastes like that, except worse. Plus, the taste lingers in your mouth for months. And gradually gets worse until it’s like your mouth was invaded by the notoriously rare and deadly Asian Shit Ant.”

The Phillies Are Cheap… The Phillies Are Cheap…

News Item: Phillies’ opening payroll of $106 million is highest in franchise history
Like I’ve said before- I WISH the Twins ($60 million payroll) were that cheap.

Life Imitates “Crimes and Misdemeanors”

News Item: Blind Rabbi Picks Up Steam in Race
Yes, that’s right: blind Rabbi Dennis Shulman is running for Congress in Bergen County, New Jersey, as a Democrat, and has a good chance of winning. He would be the first rabbi, blind or not, ever elected to Congress.
See, now there’s one candidate who doesn’t have to worry about his congregation’s newsletter having given an award to Louis Farrakhan…

Phil From Mt. Airy’s Close-up

Not content to profile a mere WIP sports talk host, Philadelphia Weekly this week actually features a cover story about a WIP caller. It’s Phil From Mt. Airy, a name that should be familiar to any 610 listener, and the piece (backed with quotes from several WIP hosts) implies that Phil is the station’s smartest, most-effective caller.
From the piece, we learn that Phil believes the following about the current Philadelphia sports scene: The Phillies are too cheap, they didn’t offer Ryan Howard enough money, the Eagles’ owners aren’t to be trusted, they need to get a big-time receiver, and Andy Reid should be fired as coach.
You know who else believes all those things? Every single other WIP caller every day, always. Proof positive that calling a radio station several times a day and reciting all the exact conventional wisdom is not only newsworthy, but deserving of a cover story.